Only in the movies

* It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
* During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
* All telephone numbers in America begin with 555.
* Most dogs are immortal.
* If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
* It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
* Dinosaurs only eat ugly or immoral people.
* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
* If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition – even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
* You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
* If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
* All single women have a cat.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
* The Chief of Police is always black.
* When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet. As you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
* If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
* Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
* Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
* Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
* Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
* If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
* The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
* When the star detective gets suspended, it’s usually because he has wrecked 20 cars during a pursuit, or because he has offended the mayor.
* A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of an average football stadium.
* If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath – even if it’s the middle of the afternoon – then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you.
* Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
* Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
* Restaurant bills will always be 15% less than the amount you are holding in your hand.
* Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. The room will be subtly lit.
* A person being pursued will always stop and throw something at the person chasing them – even though it takes three times longer to stop and throw the obstacles than it does for the person chasing to jump over them.
* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
* Newborn babies can babble, crawl and hold their heads steady.
* A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
* As the time at which a bomb will go off gets closer, seconds get longer and longer.
* It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
* When looking through binoculars, you will always see everything through a figure eight shape.
* At least one in each pair identical twins is born evil.
* In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets. Later, you will drive through it.
* Make-up can safely be worn to bed without fear of smudging.
* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
* When in love, it is customary to burst into song. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
* When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
* One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
* Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
* If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by manically beating the cradle and yelling “Hello? Hello!!”
* A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder on their own – so they can be killed one by one.
* Should you need to diffuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
* Megalomaniacs intent on world domination won’t be able to resist telling their arch nemesis every detail of their evil plans.